ZOMG PIT
by Hoogiman
Summary: COMPLETE! Pit meets all of the other Smashers. Wow. Captain Falcon mistakes Pit for a girl. Wow. There's Roy! YAAAY!1 Chapter 7: Link tries to renew his love for Zelda! Link asks the big question! WE'LL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CAT!1 NOO!1
1. Pit meets Captain Falcon

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter One: Pit meets Captain Falcon**

Pit sat in the kitchen, talking to Master Hand.

"Okay Pit, so you are now, officially a Smasher!" announced Master Hand.

"Yay, I guess?" replied Pit.

Pit glanced around at the kitchen.

"Now you can go around, and meet all of the other Smashers."

…

…

…

…

"'k."

Pit walked out of the room.

Pit ventured down the corridor, and lurked in and out of rooms. He then opened the door, to reveal Captain Falcon.

"Hello, I'm Pit!" said Pit. "I'm very nice, I can be your guardian angel!"

"Hey! It's that new angel chick that Master Hand was talking about!" said Captain Falcon.

"I'm not a chick," laughed Pit, "I'm actually a guy."

"I think you're pretty sexy," said Captain Falcon, suavely, "Can you be, my guardian angel?"

Captain Falcon did some suggestive eyebrow movements.

"If you didn't hear me the first time, I'm male," replied Pit, slightly worriedly.

Captain Falcon started putting 'the moves' on Pit.

"Not… a CHICK!" shouted Pit.

Captain Falcon started making flirty animal noises.

"NOT A CHICK!" screamed Pit, taking a bow out of his vest, and shooting it at Falcon.

"Mean chick!" said Falcon in a voice that both showed pain and flirtyness.

"**NOT A CHICK!**" shrieked Pit in a statement that was now capitalised and bolded. "**DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM NOT A CHICK! I AM A GUY!**"

Falcon did something to grotesque and extreme to be described by text, right in front of Pit.

Pit ran into Link's room next door, got a Samurai sword off the wall and sliced Falcon multiple times in the stomach, before stabbing him in the eye. He then grabbed Falcon's cheek and ripped the flesh off, making the blood ooze. Pit kicked Falcon in the nose with his heel, grabbed some wire from his pocket, choked Falcon to death, put on golf shoes and stomped on Falcon, doing all of that while screaming.

Samus walked in.

"Heh," smirked Samus, looking at Falcon's body.

"Hello, I'm Pit!" said Pit. "I'm very nice, I can be your guardian angel!"

"Samus," said Samus.

"Pit," said Pit.

Falcon somehow managed to make his way back up onto his two legs, and made a 'Pit' joke.

Pit decapitated Falcon's head, and crushed it with the photocopying machine.

"It's like a daily ritual to beat up Falcon here," said Samus.

"I'm teaching the cat how to beat up Falcon!" shouted Peach from a few metres away.

The cat defecated on Falcon's skull, which was resting on the photocopying machine.

"Good cat!" said Peach.


	2. Pit meets the kids

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Two: Pit Meets the Kids**

Pit chuckled at Falcon's mauling, and then proceeded to walk down the hall. He noticed another room, and glanced inside it, noticing the kids talking inside it.

"Hello everybody, I'm Pit!" said Pit. "I'm very nice, I can be your guardian angel!"

"Hey cool," said Young Link, "It's an angel!"

"Yes, I am in fact a angel," said Pit.

"Cool! You have wings!" said Young Link.

Young Link started tugging on Pit's wings.

"Hey!" said Pit, slightly annoyed.

Young Link noticed the arrows on Pit's clothing.

"Cool! Arrows!" said Young Link. "Are they magical arrows?"

"No, these are normal arrows!"

"Wow, are you some sort of cupid?"

"NO, I said these are normal arrows!"

"Can you make Nana like me?"

"I don't like you!" said Nana.

"You do so!" said Young Link. "Pit, the magical fairy agrees with me!"

"I'm not a fairy!" grunted Pit, "I am an angel! I do not have magical powers!"

"Stop picking on Pit!" said Nana.

"Yeah!" said Pit, annoyed.

"Clearly, he only wants to use his magic on me!" boasted Nana.

"**NOT A MAGICAL FAIRY!**" screamed Pit.

Peach walked in.

"We are going to do a special Peach Viewer Mail on Pit, the magical fairy!" announced Peach.

"**NOT A MAGICAL FAIRY!**" screamed Pit.

"If you're a magical fairy, then if I shoot you with an arrow, you won't feel pain!" said Young Link.

"**NOT A MAGICAL FAIRY!**" screamed Pit.

Young Link shot an arrow into Pit's chest.

"OW!" screamed Pit, lying on the ground, "I mean, dude, OW!"

Everyone stared and chuckled at Pit.

"Isn't anyone going to help me?" screamed Pit in agony.

"He's just faking, we all know he has magical powers," said Young Link.

Pit stapled Young Link to the wall, making him unable to move.

"Hey!" said Young Link, angrily.

Pit stormed out angrily.

Pit walked into the kitchen, sighed, and sat down on a chair.

Zelda walked in.

"Oh, hi there!" said Zelda.

"Oh… hi!" said Pit.

"How are you?"

"Good."

"Enjoying the mansion so far?"

"It's okay…"

Pit's thoughts: _Well, she seems like a bright, attractive young lady, she seems like the type that I would be friends with._

"Well, I could show you around if you want," said Zelda.

Zelda noticed Pit looking at her (insert body part here)s.

"Are you perving on me?" asked Zelda, bluntly.

"Whoops, sorry," said Pit, "I really didn't mean it that way, don't take it wrong."

Pit's thoughts: _I really didn't mean to do that, I hope that didn't blow my chances of becoming a friend of hers._

"Whatever," said Zelda.

Zelda's thoughts: _PIT IS HOT! MUST… GET… INTO… HIS… PANTS…_

"I'm teaching the cat how to drive a car!" shouted Peach from a few metres away.

The car crashed through a wall, crushing Falcon against a wall, killing him.

"Good cat!" said Peach.


	3. Pit meets Zelda

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Three: Pit meets Zelda**

Pit stared at Captain Falcon's bleeding body.

Zelda fantasized about Pit a lot more.

"What's your name?" asked Pit.

"Oh… Zelda…" said Zelda, in an anxious state.

Silence.

"I think those wings of yours make you look sexy," said Zelda.

"Pardon?" replied Pit.

Zelda realised Pit was talking to her, so her confidence level suddenly dropped beneath the floor.

"UH… UH… UH…" said Zelda, in a nervous tone while sweating, "WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY… WAS THAT I WAS CHOKING ON… A CUCUMBER…"

Zelda's thoughts: _Oh, I am so nervous, I'm talking to Pit! He's like… soo hot… Oh my gawd! I'm saying all of the wrong things… I wanna go out with him… but I can't talk properly when I face his beautiful body and his… (insert more sexy features here)_

Pit stared awkwardly at Zelda's eccentric behaviour.

Pit's thoughts: _Well, the first person that I thought was friendly has gone crazy. Maybe Zelda's trying to reject me by acting weirdly. I was just starting to like her. What am I doing wrong?_

"Are you okay?" asked Pit, putting a hand on Zelda's shoulder.

"Um… yeah… I'm okay," said Zelda, nervously.

Zelda's thoughts: _PIT IS SOO HOT… MUST NOT LET HIM KNOW… BUT STILL MUST GO OUT WITH HIM… HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT… I LOVE YOUR BODY PIT!1_

"Well, uh…" replied Pit, "If I did anything that offended you or anything… sorry…"

"That's okay…" replied Zelda.

Pit's thoughts: _That sounded like a really sarcastic tone. Maybe I unknowingly did something wrong that really offended her. Was it because I looked at her (insert body part here)s, she's now going all crazy and rejecting me? Maybe I should ask her to dinner to make up for that. Boy, am I feeling really guilty._

"No, really, I'm genuinely sorry!" said Pit, in a slightly anxious state. "I really didn't mean to hurt you!"

Zelda's thoughts: _Oh no! He's acting all strange! Maybe he doesn't like me! Oh no! I do really like him… but if I ask him out… then I'll look like a fool and be all embarrassed if he says no… and then if anyone sees and he tells them… then they'll laugh at me… and suppose they tell someone else… then I'll be the fool of the mansion! Oh boy… everything's at stake here… do I ask him out now? If I don't… what if he hooks up with Peach or Samus… or what if he says no, and then he hooks up with Peach or Samus… Oh no! I'm so screwed! I don't know what to do… do angels even have sexual preferences? Oh no! I'm flipping out really badly… and…_

Zelda had a really bad nervous breakdown, and proceeded to hyperventilate.

"Dinner?" asked Pit, staring at Zelda.

"DINNER?" announced a suddenly cheery Zelda, beaming proudly.

Pit stared at Zelda.

"Uh… um… yeah… that would be… good…" said Zelda, in such a fake, 'normal tone', that the grin shined through her closed lips.

Zelda walked out of the room, and then proceeded to scream, 'YESSS!' at the top of her lungs.

"I'm teaching the cat how to juggle!" shouted Peach from a few metres away.

Peach threw a bowling ball up into the air, which then landed on the cat, squashing it.

"Oops," said Peach.


	4. Pit, the magical fairy

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Four: Pit, the magical fairy**

"Waah!" cried Peach, spotting that her cat had died.

"What's wrong?" asked Pit.

"My cat died!" cried Peach.

"Well, uh…" said Pit, glancing around nervously, "I can… help you… just don't tell anyone…"

Pit grabbed a bow from under his tunic, and shot it at the cat.

The cat came back to life.

Pit grabbed the bow, and placed it back under his tunic.

"YAAY!1" screamed Peach. "I'm going to teach the cat to become an archer!"

Peach ran off, holding the cat, smiling.

"Don't tell anyone!" shouted Pit.

**Later…**

Peach ran into Zelda's room.

"My cat's alive!" announced Peach.

"That's very nice," said Zelda, looking intently at herself in the mirror, putting on an earring.

"I taught the cat how to make a pizza!" said Peach.

The cat walked in, walking on its hind legs, holding a pizza it had made itself.

"That's very nice," said Zelda, putting on some lipstick, "But this date is very important to me, and I don't want to blow my chances with Pit."

Zelda continued to ignore Peach, and look at herself in the mirror.

"I taught the cat how to play the piano," said Peach, "The cat can do a lot of stuff after Pit healed him with his magical bow!"

The cat played the solo piece Schubert's _Sonate_ _(Fantaisie) in G Major_ played at _allegro molto moderato_ flawlessly without any mistakes.

"I'm sure your cat can play some very nice tunes," said Zelda, in a slightly annoyed tone, "But you have to understand, that this date is very important to me, and it's more important to me than your cat playing some rubbish on the piano."

"Schubert isn't rubbish!" hissed Peach. "Even though he died at 31, he still managed to compose over six hundred romantic songs, as well as many operas, sonatas, string quartets and symphonies!"

The cat played Maple Leaf Rag, by Scott Joplin, blindfolded.

Peach said, "My cat can play-"

"I DON'T CARE!" screamed an annoyed Zelda. "YOUR CAT CAN DO SOME CRAPPY STUFF ON THE PIANO, BUT CLEARLY, MY DATE IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME STUPID TRICKS THAT YOU TAUGHT HIM!"

"You're right," said Peach, watching her cat play a seventh grade piano piece with its feet.

Zelda's mood suddenly changed, and she hummed happily as she continued to put her earrings on.


	5. The Date

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Five: The Date**

Zelda walked out of her room, wearing an expensive dress and with make-up on her face.

Link walked down the hallway, and spotted Zelda.

"Zelda?" asked Link. "Why do you have make-up on? Are you going out somewhere?"

"Uh… uh… no…" said Zelda, sweating.

"Are you sure?" replied Link. "Being all dressed up like that?"

"Uh… uh… yes?" asked Zelda.

"Zelda!" shouted Pit from downstairs. "Are you ready for our date?"

"Did I just hear Pit asking you about your date?" said Link, suspiciously.

"Uh… No…"

"Zelda! Come on! We have to get there in thirty minutes for our date!" said Pit. "You know, the date that you and I are going on? Date, not as in, the food date, but a date, date! Okay? So are you ready for your date with me?"

Silence.

"Just confirming just so you could know!" shouted Pit.

Link looked angrily at Zelda.

"Uh… it's not what it seems…" said Zelda, nervously.

"Are you going out with Pit?" asked Link, angrily.

"Uh… uh…"

Zelda looked at the conveniently placed knife in her hand.

Zelda looked at Link's head.

Zelda looked at the conveniently placed knife in her hand.

Zelda looked at Link's head.

Zelda looked at the conveniently placed knife in her hand.

Zelda looked at Link's head.

Zelda stabbed Link with her knife. In the head.

The Sarcasm Association gave Zelda an award for unpredictability.

Zelda ran downstairs.

**Later, at the restaurant…**

Pit laughed.

"Haha," laughed Pit, "I found that anecdote quite amusing, actually."

Pit's thoughts: _Well, I'm glad I asked Zelda out for dinner. I think we're actually getting along quite well, and I'm quite happy that I met her on my first day at the Smash Mansion. The atmosphere here is very nice. I wonder if the food will be good?_

"So that's Bowser for you," said Zelda, "Tries to be mean and tough, but he's really a sissy."

"Really? I heard he killed a lot of people in the process of trying to kidnap Princess Peach. Including children."

Silence.

"Oh," replied Zelda.

Silence.

"You know," said Pit, "I haven't had quite a lot of time to look at your face, but I think it looks beautiful."

Zelda blushed.

"Thank you," said Zelda, suddenly even more cheerily.

Zelda's thoughts: _ZOMG he gave me a compliment!1 Oh boy! Maybe he likes me! Oh… he is so hot… HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT! Can't control raging teenage-like hormones! Maybe I should- Naah, not on the first day… that's too quick…_

"Here is your food," said the waiter, serving them their meals.

"Thank you very much, my kind sir, and my thanks to the chef for cooking this lovely meal," said Pit.

Zelda burped.

The waiter walked away, and both started eating their food.

"Oh boy," said Zelda, wolfing down her 10kg T-Bone steak, "I love this dish!"

"Looks… uh…" said Pit, munching on his garden salad, "…nice…"

Pit coughed on his serviette, neatly folded it up and then threw it into a nearby bin.

Zelda sneezed (without covering her mouth), and then put one finger on a nostril, and sniffed so the snot would go back in.

"You know, Zelda," said Pit, somehow not noticing Zelda's rude habits, "I think I'm becoming attracted to you."

"Really?" replied Zelda.

"I'm teaching the cat to sneak into a bar without any ID!" announced Peach, from a few metres away.

The cat snuck into the bar.

"Good kitty!"

Peach tried to walk into the bar.

"I'm sorry… you're not allowed… a maturity of a three year old is required to get in…" said the bouncer.

"Can I at least get my cat back?"

"No."

"Aww."


	6. Private Detective

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Six: Private Detective**

"Are you a good private detective?" asked Link. "Because I think Zelda's going out with Pit."

"Well-a," replied Mario, "I do know some tricks of the trade. Follow me!"

Mario, followed closely behind by Link, snuck into Zelda's room.

"Okay," said Mario, "Let's-a search for any clues for Zelda showing signs of her love for Pit."

Mario looked around, suspiciously.

"Aha!" said Mario, excitedly. "I have-a found a clue!"

Mario looked closer.

"These dozens of posters of Pit half naked, labelled with, 'I LOVE PIT'," said Mario, "could be a sign that Zelda loves Pit."

Link gasped.

Mario opened a diary.

"Aha!" shouted Mario again. "The front page of the diary reads, 'PIT IS HOT', multiple times!"

Link gasped.

"Wow!" said Link. "I'd never think that I'd figure that out! Wow! You're really good!"

Mario sighed.

"Does anyone pay attention in this mansion?" asked Mario, angrily.

Peach ran into the room, and crushed into the wall. However, she didn't notice that the wall was there, so continued to run into the wall.

"A digital-a camera!" said Mario, conspicuously.

Mario picked up the digital camera, and turned it on.

"Pictures of Pit and Zelda together at a romantic restaurant with their hands-a together!" shouted Mario.

Link made a shocked face.

"It all makes sense now!"

**FLASHBACK**

Link saw Pit and Zelda pashing, outside Pit's room.

"Zelda must be sleepwalking…" said Link.

**END FLASHBACK**

"So when they were pashing-" said Link, worriedly, "They weren't sleepwalking sort-of pashing, they were pashing, pashing?"

"Yes-a," replied Mario.

"That's it!" said Link. "I have to get Zelda to love me again!"

"I'm teaching my cat to become an online fraudster by setting up a fake lottery website, and then making him e-mail some random addresses, spoofing the names so that the recipient only sees their own address, alert them that they've won the fake lottery and ask for bank details, and then rake in the money and then have a life on the run while being in rich in a foreign country such as Cuba!" said Peach.

…

…

The police came in and arrested Peach.

The cat however, got away clean.

"Aww…"


	7. Link renews his love

ZOMG PIT!1  
By Hoogiman

**Chapter Seven: Link renews his love**

"Flowers for Zelda!" said a delivery man, waiting outside Zelda's door.

"Oh! Flowers!" said Zelda, excitedly. "Who are they from?"

Link spied in from outside the room, looking hopeful.

The delivery man handed over the bouquet of flowers to Zelda.

"From, you know who…" read Zelda, off a tag hanging off one of the flowers.

"Aww!" said Zelda.

Pit walked into Zelda's room.

"Hey Zelda!" said Pit.

"Thanks for the flowers!" said Zelda.

"What flowers?" replied Pit, confused.

"Oh Pit, you're so cute!" said Zelda, hugging. "This bouquet just makes me want to fall **even deeper in love with you, deeper than before you sent me this bouquet of flowers.**"

Link shook angrily outside the room, clenching a fist. "But they were my flowers! For Zelda!"

"Thanks, I guess," said Pit. "Maybe I forgot that I delivered you that lovely, expensive bouquet of flowers!"

Link started punching the wall.

**Later…**

Link knocked on Zelda's door.

"Hi Zelda!" said Link.

"Oh… uh… hi Link…" said Zelda.

"I just wanted to have you hear a romantic song, composed by me," said Link, in a romantic way.

Link gave the signal to the conductor of a big orchestra to play a song.

Zelda started to hear the beautiful song.

"Aww, thanks," said Zelda, "that's so romantic!"

The national noise parade forced its way into Smash Mansion, blocking off Link's song, forcing horrible screeching sounds into Zelda's ears.

"That sounds awful!" screamed Zelda, blocking out her ears.

"That was not my song," said Link, angrily, "that was the random noise blurted out from the noise parade!"

**Later…**

Link walked up to Zelda.

"Zelda, I've been considering this for a long time now," said Link, "it's been a very hard decision having to ask you this, but I think that it's necessary for you to ask me this question. I've been pondering this since that newcomer Pit came in and took away the love from me, and I do just hope that our love is not no longer! I beg of you, to answer for me this question that has been aching my heart every single moment that I think about it, every single moment I breathe, every single moment I am standing still, pondering for your answer! Will we have a life together, or will we not, and will my heart be broken in the process? Zelda, it is time to ask you this… **Do you love me?**"

…

…

…

Silence.

…

…

"Hell no!" shouted Zelda.

"I hate you!" said Link, picking up his sword, stabbing Zelda in the head. "You betrayed me!"

Pit walked in.

"You murdered Zelda!" screamed a horrified Pit.

Pit fumbled around under his tunic for a bow, then picked out his 'bow of death'. Pit shot Link, killing him.

Everyone walked in, gasped to see the two dead bodies.

"Uh… uh…" said Pit, nervously.

Pit shot his 'bow of forgetfulness' at everyone.

Everyone forgot the whole last week.

"Who are you?" asked Bowser. "And why are there two bodies there?"

"Uh…" said Pit, nervously, "I'm not real."

"But everyone else can see you!" said Bowser.

"Uh… group hallucinations."

"Oh," said everybody, understandingly.

**THE END**

What happened to the cat? We'll never find out! AAAH!1


End file.
